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February 2, 2019

So I think this past week or so I could win an award for feeling sorry for myself. I definitely was spending more time in whine mode (not to be confused with the much more preferred wine mode), fretting about my situation and keeping myself in a constant state of boo-hoo.

This always tends to happen when I’m waiting on test results. I have had a lot of testing over the past couple months and the anxiety it brings is pretty outrageous. I’m a “worst case scenario” type of person. When it comes to my recovery, I’m the forever pessimist. Sure, I have moments of hope and confidence, but when it comes to testing, I just can’t seem to beat the blues. I think it’s because I’ve been getting my veins pricked basically every other month since I started this whole treatment thing. If it’s not a prick, its a pee cup or pee paper or saliva swipe or even spit tube. Anorexia left me with a LOT of health problems and therefore testing, testing and more testing. Testing causes me to live in a lot of fear...

January 26, 2019

Shopping use to be a different experience for me. There was the time before anorexia, when I was at my normal weight and also the time I was anorexic and extremely underweight. During both of these times (because I was either fit and thin or WAY too thin), finding my size at a clothing store wasn’t a problem. Sure I needed to find clothes that looked good on me and fit my body shape, but finding a size to fit me was never a problem. When I was anorexic it was even less of a problem because I basically was a walking hanger. Of course when I was anorexic, shopping brought about it’s difficulties. I was insecure about my body, never thought I was thin enough and oddly enough would never wear tight clothes. Either way, I prided myself with my style. I LOVED to shop! I have a dinner party to go to? I’ll get an awesome new outfit! Oh, I’m going to Italy? I’ll bring an EMPTY suitcase with me for all the cute new clothes I’ll buy! I had a closet that was what I considered amazing and very “me!...

January 12, 2019

So I haven’t blogged in a few weeks.  In the past this is something I would beat myself up over. I would tell myself I’m a failure, I’m bad, I will lose all my readers, no one will care anyway, and feel like a horrible person. Well, something in me has changed, and it’s a good thing. I haven’t blogged, and I don’t necessarily feel good about it, but I don’t feel horrible either. I have allowed myself room to be imperfect with things. When I was anorexic I had to be perfect at everything, and if I failed, I coped with it and the anxiety that came from it with starvation and exercise. Three years, and lots of therapy later, I now am able to be imperfect, and manage the anxiety that comes in a healthy way! It’s great!

So, reasons I haven’t blogged for a few weeks….

Well, there was this thing called Christmas! I had family in town, gifts to buy, people to enjoy, nieces and nephews to love on, so I decided to be more present with all of them and not worry about blogging.

We finally moved...

December 8, 2018

In the past week alone I have been called out more then once for talking negatively about my body. The truth is, I do talk REALLY bad about my body. I say things ranging from its gross to referring to it as “fat,” or talking about how out of shape I am or how my belly looks or if I have a double chin or how I use to be pretty. Just lots of negative stuff. It’s really not good.

One of the things my therapist (and I’m sure most E.D. recovery therapists) tried to get me to do is appreciate my body. I remember in the beginning of my recovery when I started gaining weight, all I could do was concentrate on my weight and how much I now hated my larger recovering body. My therapist would give me homework to go home and write down ten things that I’m grateful for about my body. I thought this was a joke and treated it as such. I would say things like, “The color of my eyes is nice,” and “I guess I’m grateful I can hear.” I was a real smart-a$$ to say the least. I just couldn’t find anything abo...

December 1, 2018

If you read my last blog then you are aware that the past month or so has been a bit difficult. In the world of recovery, things are not always perfect. I can go a long time doing really well, and then when life happens in a pretty brutal way, my eating disorder sneaks back in like my long lost best friend ready to comfort me. I forget that it’s not my friend and in fact it makes things a million times worse.

I had a short little relapse. By relapse I mean, restricting food, being hard on myself about exercise, weighing myself (a BIG no no), obsessing about how and when I will lose all the recovery weight, living in depression, anxiety and self loathing. It was an ugly week. BUT, I’ve come out of it and I’m doing a LOT better!

I’d like to credit my ability to come out of a short relapse to my own incredible determination and pure will power (sarcasm implied), but the truth is, recovery takes a village. I can’t do it all on my own. 

Yes, there is a part of it that is my determination to ov...

November 17, 2018

I haven't blogged in about a month. I've tried to start one every single week and I just can't write. What I'm going through feels too painful to share and I never want to come across as whining, so I've just not blogged. Truth is, this move has been extremely hard on me. Mentally, physically, emotionally....just hard. I've found myself in a bit of a relapse. I'm preoccupied with my weight, having an extremely difficult time eating, feeling an astronomical amount of stress, lonliness and anxiety with a side of depression. It's gotten so bad my dietician is putting me back on a meal plan and I have to write out all the food rules that have sneakily crept back into my life. There are a lot of things that have contributed to this happening. Some I can share openly and other that must remain private. 

Real talk.....

We are renovating our home. I don't have a healthy enough body to keep up with all of it, which has led me to feel inadequate and ashamed. Painting for just t...

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