July 8, 2017

I missed blogging last week. I’m sorry! It was for a good reason though! 

I was on a youth group Missions Trip in Guatemala! My husband and I have been youth leaders for almost five years now. (1) As a youth group we sponsor many kids through Compassion International and every couple years we go on a short term missions trip to meet them. My husband and I also sponsor a little girl ourselves! The purpose of this trip was to go down to Guatemala, meet the kids we sponsor and serve their communities!

If I’m being honest, I kind of dreaded this trip. 

Eight months ago I sat in my dietician’s office and brought up the Missions trip. My husband and I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go with my body like THIS, and we had to decide because spaces were filling up quick. I was still swelling a lot, overweight and weak. I had been sedentary for about a year and even going on long walks was draining. I felt embarrassed to meet the girl we support because I am much larger now then I was in the init...

June 24, 2017

It’s summer! As we all know, summer means less clothing coverage, beach vacations, diets to the max and body image issues. Our hidden and hibernating winter bodies are now out for show and the stress of making them look good, or hiding what doesn’t look good, is in full effect! I would venture to say it is a recovering anorexics worst nightmare. This nightmare, while terrifying, also brought about my first taste of freedom from my eating disorder!

For the past few years my immediate family has headed down to South Carolina for a beach vacation. Typically I would start preparing for this months in advance. I mean, I had to wear a bikini so it was crucial that my wobbly bits firm up and I look as fit and thin as possible. My eating disorder was in full control. I would do cleanses, cut out food groups, count the calories of every morsel that entered my mouth and exercise for hours on end. I became an expert on the newest diet, and nothing would get in my way. My mind was completely consum...

June 17, 2017

“Oh, why you look so sad, the tears are in your eyes,

Come on and come to me now, and don't be ashamed to cry,

Let me see you through, 'cause I've seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,

Nothing you confess could make me love you less,

I'll stand by you,

I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,

I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad, don't hold it all inside,

Come on and talk to me now.

Hey there, what you got to hide?

I get angry too, well, I'm alive like you.

When you're standing at the cross roads,

And don't know which path to choose,

Let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you,

I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,

I'll stand by you.I'll stand by you,

I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,

I'll stand by you.

Baby, even to your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you,

I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you baby,

You're feeling all alone, you're wandering on your own,

I'll stand by you.”

I’ll Stand By You,...

June 10, 2017

One thing that continues to surprise people is that an eating disorder is not about the food. It is a mental illness that is about control, not an issue with food itself. The food is just a symptom of a deeper problem. It’s kind of hard for me to write that it is a mental illness because, well, that would mean I am mentally ill, and who wants to be that?! There is something wrong with my mind. Somewhere along the line things went wrong, and this voice popped up and decided to take over the show. My mind decided this was the best way to cope with problems. I personally wish my mind had chosen travel, or photography or mission in order to cope....Nope! It chose eating disorder.  I know what went wrong, and that is a topic for another time, but nonetheless my mind was taken over by this nasty voice. 

This voice is powerful and has the ability to wreck me with one blow. It has the ability to change my mood, emotions, desire to eat, my sense of worth, my values, my body image and i...

May 30, 2017

Self care is something that I had never really heard of until about a year ago. I was sitting in my support group and one of the girls made the goal to practice more self care that week. I thought, what the heck is that? Are you really going to sit at home and color in one of those new adult coloring books? Couldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time? It sounds so crazy now, but the idea of intentionally taking time to care for myself was foreign. I have a job, I’m fighting an eating disorder, I have a husband and a dog and dinner to make and bills to pay and deadlines to meet and youth to serve, and a house to clean, who has time for coloring and slow walks through the park?

I mean, obviously I know that I need to take care of myself when I have a cold or get more sleep when I’m exhausted, brush my teeth and exercise, but that was kind of the extent of my “self care.” I had always been taught that you put others first and yourself last, so this idea of self care felt...

May 24, 2017

I promised when I started this blog that I would be honest and raw about what it is like to be in recovery from an eating disorder…so here it goes!

This past week has been terrible. I feel constantly exhausted and my body is so swollen and puffy that I feel like I am walking around like the michelin man. It feels like I’m waterlogged and heavy and I have no idea whats going on. 

This healing process has been hard on my body. I pretty much live in a constant state of Edema. I swell a LOT. It’s swelling that hurts and makes me think something is very wrong. (I’ve had about a million tests and it continues to narrow down to just recovery healing). I shy away from hugs because my skin feels like it will snap if someone squeezes too hard. Touch feels like a million needles stabbing my skin. I live in leggings and baggy sweaters because my body swells up and down so much that anything else would be uncomfortable.

 I know that swelling in recovery is a pretty normal thing. I mean after all, if y...

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