Feelin' Good. Like I should.
Let me start by addressing the elephant
in the room.......I haven't blogged in a bit. It's true. I'm sorry! A lot of you have reached out to make sure I have not relapsed and to see if I'm still doing ok. Thank you for that! I appreciate it so much!
The truth is....drum roll please....I've been kind of just living life! Recovery is still a big part of my life but it is no longer THE focus of my life. Can you believe it?! SIX years into recovery and I'm finally at a place where I can honestly say I'm almost there guys!!! God is good. God is good.
You know what this means? YOU CAN DO IT TOO!
Recovery is hell. There is no other word that truly describes all that is recovery. The shame, weight gain, pain, swelling, panic attacks, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, the entire body not functioning correctly, the hormonal changes and not to mention all the unsolicited opinions about your body and food intake from every diet thumper out there. It is gruesome....but I can honestly say, it is worth it! If you asked me every day for thirty days if recovering from anorexia, gaining the weight and going through all that was worth it so far, I would say yes at least 25 out of 30 days!
"But Sara, you only said 25 out of the 30 days?!?!?!"
My answer - I'm human people! I was anorexic for seven years. I was (too) skinny and everything that society thinks is perfect! Now I'm not. I'm allowed to have five days of the month where I'm a little miffed about it. The other TWENTY FIVE that I'm doing great are worth the five that I question it!
Now, to answer all the questions you all have been asking about.
Am I still losing weight and is my body still healing/changing? The answer is YES! Isn't that great!?!? It's a sloooooow process. I wish the overshoot came off as fast as it came on, but alas, that has not been my journey. I had a bit of a set back with some hormones as well. As I've said before, I have endometriosis and I recently had a second surgery for the pain. I was put on some medication that was far from my friend. I gained a little weight on it...got off of the medication and my body started going back down again. It's been going down ever since.
Do I like my current weight? This is such a hard question. The answer is on bad days I don't like it, on good days I don't care about it. Make sense? Look, when I was anorexic and very thin I didn't like my body either. I think as a woman in our current climate our bodies are something we are taught to hate and want to change no matter the freaking size. So I've learned to be indifferent to it 99% of the time. I do have days that I cry about it and wish I was small again, but that almost always comes on after a major trigger that has nothing to do with my body. My goal is to live my life and live for Gods purpose for me and being thin and over-exercise just doesn't fit into my values or schedule anymore.
Do I count calories? NO I DO NOT! I also highly suggest that if you are stuck in the obsession of counting calories you seek freedom from this! It is a painful and controlling place to be and you CAN be free from it. I can honestly admit though that in the past three months I downloaded my fitness pal and counted my calories for ONE day and then deleted it. I told people right away that hold me accountable and it went bye bye from my phone real quick. When I feel the urge to do stuff like that I have to really fight it. Those are on my bad five days where all I want to do is be in control of my body again, restrict, workout and count so I can get my mind off what is REALLY bothering me. It never lasts long though and it goes away.
How is working out? Do I do it? As we know, excessive exercise was a HUGE part of my eating disorder. Eating close to nothing and exercising too much is really what got my body in danger. When I entered treatment I was ordered to do ZERO exercise. I of course fought this and walked for miles on end to counter the calories they were making me eat. In hind-site this just extended my recovery and healing, and if I could go back I would just do what they said. After gaining 100 pounds in recovery (a lot of it was much needed) and not being able to exercise I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it was to move my body again. My body was foreign. I was used to feeling light and running for miles and then also hitting the weights for another hour. Now I was out of breath walking to the freaking mailbox and back. Half the battle was getting over the mental part of accepting my body was healing and can't do what it use to do. I would try a workout that I use to be able to do pre-recovery but find myself crying on my yoga mat because I couldn't comprehend the body I now had. It was ugly. Slowly though I've gained strength and gotten back into moving my body. It can be VERY triggering so I've set up boundaries around moving my body. Ill write another blog about this in more detail! Long story short...I'm exercising, and I don't cry anymore during or after each workout. I'm doing good and I have strict boundaries with it so I don't go down the disordered route again. More to come on this later!
Do I still have my support group?! YES!! You should join it!! We meet on zoom every other Sunday (EST) evening for two hours! It is absolutely wonderful and if you can't find a support group I highly suggest coming to mine! It costs nothing (unless you want to help with the zoom fee which is optional) and being able to talk with other people recovering is a game changer :) EVERYONE is welcome! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more info!
Do I have a meal plan or am I eating freely? I'm eating freely! I am actually meeting with my dietician next week to make sure I'm still on track though. I don't know if other people who recover have this same problem but I typically lean towards eating too little. Rome wasn't built in a day and eating enough has always been my problem. Most of the time when I check in I'm under-eating a bit. Since I've been exercising a little more I'm checking in with my dietician to make sure I'm eating enough. I DO NOT want my body to get scared and hold on again so it's important for me to eat enough! I do have times where I question if I should be eating certain foods or want to "eat clean" or want to go on a diet, but they are short lived and I didn't come this far to go back to that garbage again. Plus, if you sit back and watch people do diets long enough you see them gain all the weight back so I'm just going to continue to do my recovery thing. I DID have a really hard time at the county fair though. I told myself I would eat freely (as much as a celiac can) but when the time came I got attacked big time. Wouldn't this just undo the workout I did that morning? (ED TALKING) How will I ever lose all the overshoot weight eating french fries and milkshakes? (ED TALKING). Oh the thoughts were brutal and I had anxiety big time. BUT......I ate the fries and shake anyway. Why? Because it's the freaking fair and when my eating disorder tries to control me I fight back. Eating has it's ups and downs for me, but for the most part, I'm doing great!
Alrighty, that is my update for now! I'm going to be for SURE blogging again now and I have a few ready to go so get excited! Things are good but not everything is sunshine and rainbows! Here are some of the topics that are coming your way on my blog....
- We are adopting!! WHAT?! YES! It is true! Anorexia affected my fertility and my plans of having a family so I'm going to talk about it!
-LOUDER FOR THE DOCTORS IN THE BACK! I can't wait to finish this blog. I am SO sick of hearing about how badly doctors treat people going through recovery. The fat-phobia of doctors is a disgrace to their profession and a MAJOR trigger for people trying to recover.
-Working out/Exercise - What I'm doing? How I'm feeling? Does it cause problems? Can you workout hard ever again?
- Are we allowed to want to lose weight ever again?
-Why I don't really agree with LOVING your body wherever it is at when it comes to recovery. I mean....that's a big ask isn't it?
-Weddings.....going to them and being in them during recovery...
-Mens size inclusivity at stores.....where the heck is it?
-Going to the beach after 6 years in recovery! How did it go?
-STOP COMMENTING ON PEOPLE BODIES! Can't wait to finish this one too.....I have a LOT to say on this and how it has effected me and pretty much everyone else I know in recovery!!
-Why I am anti watches that track everything and why I am especially against posting it on social media!
I can't wait! It feels good to blog again and reconnect with all of you! So many people reach out every week that are recovering from an eating disorder so know that you are not alone :)
If you are recovering.... KEEP GOING! If you need a sign....HERE IS YOUR SIGN! You can do this. Don't give up!
Talk to you soon!