Archive 

Keeping it 100.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

I’ve always said I would keep it 100 with my readers. (This is a phrase my little sister uses that I recently learned, and apparently it mean to keep things 100% honest, on the level, the real deal. Don't make fun of me, I'm 36!). So here I am, keeping it 100 with you!

Losing the Overshoot.

Saturday, July 25, 2020

Losing the overshoot weight.....

The Overshoot Plateau.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Last week I shared how much I overshot and my gaining experience. This week I’m going to talk about the years when my body had gained the weight and just kind of stayed there. I like to say this is the time I was living in Satans’ butt-crack. Yep, you read that right! Can you think of a worse place to be? I can’t!

Gaining & Overshooting.

Wednesday, January 01, 2020

“But what if I gain 100 pounds?!”

 This was the question I asked myself literally a million times before I entered treatment, after I entered treatment, when I started the re-feeding process, as I gained weight, when the weight gain never seemed to stop......you get the idea.

Overshooting.

Saturday, June 20, 2020

I would say that the questions I receive the most about my recovery have to do with overshooting. 

 

So, these next few blogs I’m going to talk about overshooting, what it is, what my personal experience with it has been and how I’ve dealt with it. I will answer the BIG question.......is it true, when you overshoot, even by a lot, does the weight go back down?

The Camera Adds 100 Pounds.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

One huge change for me during this time of Covid is that instead of getting up Sunday morning and heading to church, I now “go” to church by turning on the TV and sitting on the couch. To be honest, there are things about this I REALLY love. I can wear whatever I want, my dogs can finally cuddle with me during a sermon, I can pause it to go to the bathroom (or grab more tea)! There is ONE thing however that I have THE hardest time with.......watching myself on TV.

Eating Disorders Do Not Discriminate.

Saturday, June 06, 2020

I had planned on writing a blog on a completely different topic this week, but then.....this week happened. The death of George Floyd has rocked our country to it’s core. Protests, both peaceful and destructive. Pain, racism, arguing, learning, listening, educating, discussion, opinions. It’s all been very overwhelming and emotionally draining if I’m to be honest. Especially on the heals of a pandemic that is still going on!? I can’t even process it all and I have a feeling a lot of people reading this are in the same boat. However, it’s something I can’t ignore and also something I wasn’t sure how to talk about in a blog about eating disorders and my recovery.

Meds.

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Happy Saturday everyone! We made it through another week!

 

I’ve decided for my first “real” blog back I’m going to take on a pretty controversial topic. MEDICATION!

 

Before I jump into my experience with meds, I want to say that this blog is in no way meant to convince you to take or not to take medication.

I'm BAAAAACK!!

Saturday, May 23, 2020

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a hot minute. Almost eight months to be exact...YIKES! But I’m back, ready to share how my recovery has been going and how God has been working in me and through me during this time!

Counting The Little Things.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

I learned a long time ago that in order to stay on track, maintain hope and not relapse it is very important for me to acknowledge and celebrate the small wins/changes/met goals along the way. At times this can feel invalidating to the pain of recovering. Like I’m just trying to grasp at straws to find something  to make recovery ok and worth it. The truth is, if I don’t celebrate these things then ya, its easy to get down and defeated!

10 Reasons Why.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

I think it is important to acknowledge the truth of recovery. My fear in writing this blog is that it might scare someone out of recovering. On the other hand, it might help someone feel less alone and relate to me about recovery. Either way, PLEASE, if you choose to read this blog, read it all the way to the end. The reasons why recovery is worth it FAR surpass the reasons why it is hard. Sometimes the hardest trials make us the strongest.

Why I Love You.

Saturday, September 07, 2019

1. Think of someone you love.

2. Ask yourself “Does their weight have anything to do with WHY I love them?”

3. Apply this thought process towards yourself; your weight is NOT why people love you.

Panic Attacks.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

There are moments during my recovery where my head starts to spin, I feel dizzy and out of sorts, my palms get sweaty and my hands start shaking, I can’t focus, my eyes tear up and I start hyperventilating so bad I can’t catch my breath.

Intervention.

Monday, July 15, 2019

I haven't blogged because I've been going through a lot of changes and I needed to get a grasp on them before I could share them. Also, when I'm going through a bit of a hard time I just don't have the energy to blog. I have the energy this week, so here it goes!

 

About four weeks ago I had a bit of what I would call a breakdown and a miraculous intervention

TWO New Resources!!

Saturday, June 08, 2019

This blog I want to share two new resources that have been helping me get through the past couple of weeks

Thinking Errors.

Saturday, June 01, 2019

I think it was within the first or second week of treatment for my eating disorder that I was introduced to the idea of thinking errors. The first week I was pretty much arguing with my therapist that I really didn’t have a problem. I wasn’t that thin. I was actually in fact fat and could lose some weight, and if I start to eat more I will for sure become so obese and disgusting my life would be ruined. I will never forget how when she told me I was in fact too thin and what I was eating was indeed an anorexic intake, I stared at her like she was saying the grass was blue and the sky was green. 

Someone I Love Is Anorexic! What Do I Do?!

Saturday, May 25, 2019

I’ve been promising to blog about this topic for a while now and I’m finally doing it! I think I’ve pushed it off for many reasons. But mainly, I’m not a therapist, recovery specialist, dietician or a doctor, so I feel a little under-qualified to be discussing this topic. I AM however, a woman who was anorexic for seven years, excessively exercised and was one run away from death before I entered treatment three years ago. So while I am not a professional of any kind when it comes to eating disorders, I can give you my perspective on what you should do if someone you love is anorexic.

Choosing Freedom!

Saturday, May 11, 2019

When you walk into a doctors office the last thing you want to feel is invalidated and dismissed. You want to be taken seriously, listened to, empathized with, treated with respect and given the high level of care you are paying for. Unfortunately this doesn’t always happen.

When Your Best Isn't Good Enough.

Saturday, April 06, 2019

It's such a rollercoaster. About a month ago I received some lab results back and honestly, they were the best lab results I've had since I started treatment. (AMEN!) My malnutrition is on it's way out, my inflammation markers have gone way down (even though they are still pretty bad), my insulin levels are almost back to normal, my blood sugar is basically perfect and most of my other tests (I think there were like 40) are finally coming back a smidge away from where we want them to be! There are only a few that just can't seem to get it together.

The Check Out Lane.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Let me tell you a story and what I noticed.

About a month ago my mom and I went to the Amish Home & Garden show. While we were driving home we stumbled upon the Amish Ashery bulk store that had a sign saying lacy swiss cheese, $3.84 a pound. 

My Thoughts!

Saturday, March 23, 2019

I want to take this blog post as an opportunity to talk a little bit about my thoughts and feelings on my husbands Q&A blogs the past two weeks! First of all, I want to thank my husband, Wyatt, for taking the time to answer all those questions and for being as honest as he was!

Q&A With My Hubs! (Part 2)

Saturday, March 16, 2019

My hubs answers even more reader questions about my eating disorder and recovery!

Q&A With My Hubs! (Part 1)

Saturday, March 09, 2019

My hubs answers reader questions about my eating disorder and recovery!

Perspective Change.

Saturday, February 02, 2019

So I think this past week or so I could win an award for feeling sorry for myself. I definitely was spending more time in whine mode (not to be confused with the much more preferred wine mode), fretting about my situation and keeping myself in a constant state of boo-hoo. This always tends to happen when I’m waiting on test results. I have had a lot of testing over the past couple months and the anxiety it brings is pretty outrageous. I’m a “worst case scenario” type of person

JCREW WTH?!

Friday, January 25, 2019

Shopping use to be a different experience for me. There was the time before anorexia, when I was at my normal weight and also the time I was anorexic and extremely underweight. During both of these times (because I was either fit and thin or WAY too thin), finding my size at a clothing store wasn’t a problem. Sure I needed to find clothes that looked good on me and fit my body shape, but finding a size to fit me was never a problem. When I was anorexic it was even less of a problem because I basically was a walking hanger.

Year Four Lets Do This!

Friday, January 11, 2019

So I haven’t blogged in a few weeks.  In the past this is something I would beat myself up over. I would tell myself I’m a failure, I’m bad, I will lose all my readers, no one will care anyway, and feel like a horrible person. Well, something in me has changed, and it’s a good thing. I haven’t blogged, and I don’t necessarily feel good about it, but I don’t feel horrible either. I have allowed myself room to be imperfect with things. When I was anorexic I had to be perfect at everything, and if I failed, I coped with it and the anxiety that came from it with starvation and exercise. Three years, and lots of therapy later, I now am able to be imperfect, and manage the anxiety that comes in a healthy way! It’s great!

This Body!!

Saturday, December 08, 2018

In the past week alone I have been called out more then once for talking negatively about my body. The truth is, I do talk REALLY bad about my body. I say things ranging from its gross to referring to it as “fat,” or talking about how out of shape I am or how my belly looks or if I have a double chin or how I use to be pretty. Just lots of negative stuff. It’s really not good.

The Importance of Support.

Saturday, December 01, 2018

If you read my last blog then you are aware that the past month or so has been a bit difficult. In the world of recovery, things are not always perfect. I can go a long time doing really well, and then when life happens in a pretty brutal way, my eating disorder sneaks back in like my long lost best friend ready to comfort me. I forget that it’s not my friend and in fact it makes things a million times worse. I had a short little relapse. By relapse I mean, restricting food, being hard on myself about exercise, weighing myself (a BIG no no), obsessing about how and when I will lose all the recovery weight, living in depression, anxiety and self loathing. It was an ugly week. BUT, I’ve come out of it and I’m doing a LOT better!

Real Talk.

Saturday, November 17, 2018

I haven't blogged in about a month. I've tried to start one every single week and I just can't write. What I'm going through feels too painful to share and I never want to come across as whining, so I've just not blogged. Truth is, this move has been extremely hard on me. Mentally, physically, emotionally....just hard. I've found myself in a bit of a relapse. I'm preoccupied with my weight, having an extremely difficult time eating, feeling an astronomical amount of stress, lonliness and anxiety with a side of depression. It's gotten so bad my dietician is putting me back on a meal plan and I have to write out all the food rules that have sneakily crept back into my life. There are a lot of things that have contributed to this happening. Some I can share openly and other that must remain privat

Giving Up.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on recovery, but sometimes in order to recover, I have to give certain things up. In this case, I’m talking about being weighed. In my own home, I threw out our scale almost three years ago. We don’t keep one in the house, period. Before I entered recovery I would weight myself at least ten times a day…at least. The number was what drove me and determined my mood, worth, identity, body image and security. It took me a long time to get over not having a scale in the home and having no idea what I weighed, but I needed to do it in order to end the behavior of weighing myself obsessively

Coping Skill: F.A.S.T.

Saturday, October 06, 2018

So I’m not sure if everyone knows this, but eating disorders act as a major coping mechanism. Most of the people you will meet, me included, that have or have had an eating disorder, are most likely coping with something. What we are coping with can range anywhere from events like a death of a family member, rape, near death experiences, insecurity, confusion about identity, divorce, bullying, needing to be fit for sports, weight loss or gain, body image, painful relationships, you get the idea. I know for me, I had some big stuff happen and within a year I was anorexic and excessively exercising. It’s like something in my brained snapped and made my body, food and exercise the only thing I could care about and think about. If I was thinking about how many calories I was burning each day, I could ignore the extreme emotional pain I was feeling from the events that I did not know how to fix. I couldn’t control how people treated me, what they thought of me, when they would die or not, but I thought I COULD control how many calories I ate, how long I could run and how little I could eat.

Introverted or Isolated?

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Growing up I think I would have described myself as outgoing. I had a good amount of friends, I was a cheerleader and involved in sports, I attended youth group and had friends there too. Whats weird though is I’m not sure I would have said I was extroverted. I didn’t realize until I was much older how introverted I actually was/am. Yes, I can hold a conversation and have a good time with people when I go out, but I would prefer a night in, by myself or with one maybe two friends, watching Anne of Green Gables or reading over going out any day.

Recovery Playlist Part II

Saturday, September 15, 2018

About a year ago I posted a recovery playlist blog! Well, just like anyone else, songs get old to me when I listen to them too much! So, today I'm posting a second blog with even more songs that I love that I think are perfect to listen to while in recovery! They give me that boost to keep going, connect with me when recovery gets hard, give me all the feels because they are relatable and  honestly, they are just a really good way to practice self care!

Watching The Pot.

Saturday, September 08, 2018

Have you ever heard the saying, “A watched pot never boils?” I mean, the water always eventually boils, but it seems to take FOR-EV-ER when you are staring at it waiting for it to happen. It’s like the minute you walk away from it, it starts boiling and you are like WAIT, when did that happen?! I feel like this saying describes the past couple months of my recovery to a T. 

We're MOVING!

Saturday, December 28, 2019

One of my biggest fears during recovery has been moving. My husband has a job that when you take on a new role, you move. So far his job has taken us to New York City and then Washington D. C. Typically we would stay in these places for three to five years and then move along. My recovery threw a bit of a curve ball into this trajectory and we have been in D.C. for about six years. When I entered treatment the one thing I asked was that we not move until I was recovered. This went over like a lead balloon, but the truth is, I NEEDED to recover from my eating disorder and it takes time, support and a strong team to do so.

I Bought A Bathing Suit...And I Wore It!

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Look, I think we can all be a liiiiitle honest here and say that being confident in a bathing suit is something that doesn’t come all that easy. (If it does for you, then comment below your secret, I’d love to know…). In our society we have been tricked into believing there is only one type of body that is beautiful and one type of body that should be seen on the beach without being ashamed. Everyone else should be working towards that body and if we don’t have it, we should wear the most flattering bathing suit to hide all our lumps and bumps. Rolls are no long acceptable at the beach over 4 years old, and anything past that we better get “beach body ready” starting after Christmas.

Forgiving My First Doctor.

Saturday, August 04, 2018

I don't know about everyone else, but I use to have this idea that doctors knew everything. You just go to the doctor, tell them your problem, they know the answer and vwhala, HEALED! Going through recovery has taught me the hard lesson that not only do doctors not know everything, they are human beings that are fallible and while I've found that some may struggle with pride, hopefully, most of the time, they are just trying to do their best

It's Amazing What A Minute Can Do!

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Happy Saturday everyone!!! I don’t know about you but this week seemed SO LONG!Do any of you have a song that the minute it comes on you are like, wow, SAME!? So there is this Dave Matthews song, So Damn Lucky, that I play pretty  much all the time. I would put it in my top ten favorite songs of all time. It’s one of those songs where the lyrics just seem to click with the current situation and you get all the feels because well, relatable! Since Dave and I haven’t sat down and chatted about what the song is actually about I make my own assumptions and to me it’s about how in one moment, everything can change. Sometimes the change feels like slow motion, or it feels like you are spinning and have no idea what is going on, or you just want to go back to that moment right before it all happened. I’ve been feeling all of these a lot lately. I feel lost, dizzy and wishing I could just go back two and a half years ago and decide not to do any of this. 

Living Loved.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Over the past few weeks I have come to the realization that I don’t feel like I am really living life anymore. Somewhere along this journey my whole life started to be about recovering from my eating disorder. From doctors appointments, to support groups. Meals plans to recovery record. Therapy and coping skills, my every moment is bombarded with recovery thoughts, decisions, questions, and stress. I went from a person who lived life to someone who feels like life is kind of just passing me by. I feel like I’m putting all of my energy into figuring out how to get my energy and body back to normal and it has become all consuming. So much so that I didn’t realize that a lot of things that are important to me have started to disappear and over the past week I became aware that I miss living life and I’m tired of my life being all about recovering. I feel like my faith isn’t as strong, my mission isn’t as strong, my career isn’t as strong, my goals and direction in life is stagnant and I’m just waiting on my body to dictate how the rest of my life is going to end up. This can’t be how it is, right?!

HOME!

Saturday, July 07, 2018

In the words of Dorothy, “There’s no place like home!” As I’ve mentioned before the past few months have been a teensy bit difficult and I think I reached my threshold of being “strong” and able to deal with it mentally. So a couple weeks ago my husband suggested that I get out of the city and go back home for a week to just have a change of scenery and be around family!

Sisters.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

My husband could tell that I was in a pretty bad place. So, without me knowing it he texted my sisters and told them that I needed them, that I was having a really hard time and could really use some extra support. Now, I didn’t know he texted them, but when three days in a row I started to hear from my sisters, I knew something was up haha! 

An Update On My Health.

Saturday, June 02, 2018

To say the past month has been difficult would be an understatement. I think it’s been the closest I’ve been to relapsing this entire recovery process. In fact, in some ways I would say I am relapsing and fighting against relapsing at the same time.  It’s hard to tell when there is a mental hurricane going on and behaviors sneak up on you without knowing and you just keep trying to push them down. This past month I’ve felt like someone put me on a boat, took me far out into the ocean, threw me overboard and left me there to try desperately to keep my head above water. I keep searching for a life jacket or a rescue team and it just isn’t coming. THAT’s how this past month has felt. 

Surviving Holiday Weekends!

Saturday, May 26, 2018

SO, since it is Memorial Day weekend, and this weekend is typically full of parties, bbq’s and hang outs, I’ve decided to write about how I survive parties, family get-togethers, holidays and basically social events in general while recovering from an eating disorder.

Recovery Podcasts.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

When I entered treatment it was almost like I had to become un-brainwashed or "de-programed" from diet culture. I had spent years and years believing that carbs were bad, being fat meant you over-ate and were lazy, foods were categorized as good and bad, healthy or unhealthy, and calories were the ultimate and ongoing mathematical equation to happiness and health. Deciding that I no longer needed to abide by these rules or agonize over every morsel was really hard and it actually took a lot of time and support. One of the things that helped me was listening to body positive, health at every size, anti-diet, intuitive eating, eating disorder recovery podcasts!

To My Mother...

Saturday, May 12, 2018

I’m not a teenager or even a young adult. I’m thirty-four years old and recovering from an eating disorder. A lot of times when we see portrayals of eating disorders or recovery from them we see young teenage girls, and their mothers who are trying desperately to help their daughters overcome them. My situation is a little different. I’m much older, married and haven’t even lived in the same state as my mother in almost ten years. She isn’t going to every doctors appointment with me or filing my medical bills. She isn’t arguing with a therapist about how this happened or spoon-feeding me my meals when I have the urge to restrict again. Being older and going through recovery means that I don’t depend on my mother the way I might have if I was younger, however my mother has been a steady ROCK for me as I recover and I would like to take the time (and this blog) to acknowledge that! So, a letter to my mother in honor of mothers day...

Coping Skill: Loving-Kindness Meditation.

Saturday, May 05, 2018

This past week I went through something that was very traumatic. I was scammed, terrorized and robbed. It was incredibly frightening, stressful and exhausting. Traumatic events are typically when my eating disorder decides to slowly creep in and take over. In fact, trauma is often the main source and fuel to eating disorders. When I think of trauma or traumatic events I typically think of people who fight in a war, or of really terrible things like being robbed or raped or near death experiences. The truth is, trauma doesn’t have to always be these things. The definition of a trauma is, “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. or an emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long-term neurosis.” (1) So trauma is simply a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. Some synonyms for trauma are, shock, distress, stress, pain, anguish, suffering, grief and heartache.  We don’t have to be at the front of war to experience trauma. Many of us have experienced trauma in our every day lives. It’s being robbed, losing a family member, going through a parents divorce, being in a volatile/difficult relationship, getting fired from a job we love or experiencing infertility. In my opinion, all of these can be deeply distressing experiences.

God's Perfect Timing.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

For about the past year I have been keeping a prayer journal. One day I was shopping around Marshalls, (I LOOOOVE me some Marshalls), and I found the cutest little turquoise prayer journal in the check out line where they always try to get you to grab that last minute stuff you absolutely don’t need but definitely need. So, like a typical pathetic shopper I snatched it up and it turns out I really DID need it! You see, I had been really struggling with prayer. I had started to become a bit bitter and resentful towards God since he hadn’t been answering some major prayers of mine, and some distrust was sneakily creeping into my relationship with Him. So, I figured buying a prayer journal would give me the boost I needed to become more diligent in my daily prayers again, since at least I would be writing in a cute book right?!

Anorexia Is Not a Choice.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

How could I have done this to myself?

I have asked myself this question over and over and over again during my recovery.

When day after day my body swells, I say, “How could I have done this to myself?”

When my weight is at it’s absolute highest with no sign of budging or going back to normal, I cry, “How could I have done this to myself?”

When I yet again receive scary news from a doctor, I lay in bed weeping, "How could I have done this to myself?"

When I am shopping at the store, trying to find something that will fit my oddly shaped, overweight, foreign body with mirrors everywhere showing me every nook and cranny, I drop my head in shame and say, “How could I have done this to myself?”

When I feel like not eating dinner because yet again something has triggered my eating disorder, I think, “How could I have done this to myself?”

 

The Wheel Of Feelings!

Friday, April 06, 2018

I’m an emotions stuffer. When I have an emotion I cannot stand it and all I want to do is find the best way to get rid of it as fast as possible. I always had this idea that being emotional or having emotions was bad. I never wanted to be labeled the “emotional girl,” and no one takes being called overly emotional as a compliment now-a-days. 

I'm Fat, and I'm Cool With That.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Dang. I only WISH the title of this blog was true.

I’ve decided to go a little vulnerable this week and share what I’m currently struggling with on my rollercoaster of a journey through recovery.

I found out this past week that my weight has again stopped going down. 

This is beyooooond frustrating. After a lot of tears, questions, anger, appointments, talking with fellow and former recoverers and support I picked myself up and realized….I’m fat, and I need to be cool with that. 

The problem is….I’m not.

Self-Esteem & Self-Compassion

Saturday, March 24, 2018

 Once a week I attend an eating disorder recovery support group! I've been going to it for about a year and a half and it has played a major role in my success thus far in recovery! (Side note - Seriously, if you are recovering and not in a support group, I highly suggest finding one!) There are a few different elements that take place during our group, but one of them is a directive. Typically a therapist, dietician or a pastor comes in and leads our group in some sort of discussion, lesson, or activity that has to do with our eating disorder. It could be anything from how our brains work when we are triggered to how to make a thought box with inspirational stickers! This past week our directive was about self esteem and self compassion.