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May 24, 2017

I promised when I started this blog that I would be honest and raw about what it is like to be in recovery from an eating disorder…so here it goes!

This past week has been terrible. I feel constantly exhausted and my body is so swollen and puffy that I feel like I am walking around like the michelin man. It feels like I’m waterlogged and heavy and I have no idea whats going on. 

This healing process has been hard on my body. I pretty much live in a constant state of Edema. I swell a LOT. It’s swelling that hurts and makes me think something is very wrong. (I’ve had about a million tests and it continues to narrow down to just recovery healing). I shy away from hugs because my skin feels like it will snap if someone squeezes too hard. Touch feels like a million needles stabbing my skin. I live in leggings and baggy sweaters because my body swells up and down so much that anything else would be uncomfortable.

 I know that swelling in recovery is a pretty normal thing. I mean after all, if y...

May 17, 2017

I’ve never been amazing at fast math. Even adding up the numbers of my yahtzee roll I have to use my fingers. I somehow was able to nail an A in calculus, but 4th grade addition tables will still get me every time. It’s bad. However, when it comes to calorie counting Im basically a mathematical genius.

Calorie counting was a HUGE part of my eating disorder. I was obsessive about it. In school my notebook margins were filled with calories I was summing up. I would recount everything I ate or every calorie I worked off over and over again. I would check my watch literally 100 times a day. It was like continuous white noise. Always there. My brain was constantly in math mode. Adding and subtracting and counting. In all honesty, people would probably think I was nuts. 

It’s amazing to me the power of these little units of energy. I guess it’s because it’s not about the energy at all right? It’s about the control. 

I started calorie counting for one reason. To lose weight. Previous t...

May 12, 2017

     For the past few months I have hemmed and hawed about what my first blog post should be about. Do I start with my story? Do I simply introduce myself? Should it be funny? Should it be serious? Should it be educational? Finally I decided to just start with where I am at. What is currently going on? I’ll eventually share my story, what re-feeding was like, my deepest hurts and best coping skills, but today I’ll simply start with today. 

I am currently about fifteen months into treatment/recovery for anorexia and exercise bulimia. It’s  a weird place to be. I have changed in many aspects and have a long way to go in others. It’s this strange place of being far from where I use to be, but not even close to where I’m going. I’m using all my tricks in my toolbox, I’m eating enough and a variety. I am doing my best to practice “radical acceptance” (which by the way is THE WORST) and continue on my forward, yet glacial, journey to freedom. I'm in a wonderful and terrible lim...

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