"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. " 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
I promised when I started this blog that I would be honest and raw about what it is like to be in recovery from an eating disorder…so here it goes!
This past week has been terrible. I feel constantly exhausted and my body is so swollen and puffy that I feel like I am walking around like the michelin man. It feels like I’m waterlogged and heavy and I have no idea whats going on.
This healing process has been hard on my body. I pretty much live in a constant state of Edema. I swell a LOT. It’s swelling that hurts and makes me think something is very wrong. (I’ve had about a million tests and it continues to narrow down to just recovery healing). I shy away from hugs because my skin feels like it will snap if someone squeezes too hard. Touch feels like a million needles stabbing my skin. I live in leggings and baggy sweaters because my body swells up and down so much that anything else would be uncomfortable.
I know that swelling in recovery is a pretty normal thing. I mean after all, if y...
I’ve never been amazing at fast math. Even adding up the numbers of my yahtzee roll I have to use my fingers. I somehow was able to nail an A in calculus, but 4th grade addition tables will still get me every time. It’s bad. However, when it comes to calorie counting Im basically a mathematical genius.
Calorie counting was a HUGE part of my eating disorder. I was obsessive about it. In school my notebook margins were filled with calories I was summing up. I would recount everything I ate or every calorie I worked off over and over again. I would check my watch literally 100 times a day. It was like continuous white noise. Always there. My brain was constantly in math mode. Adding and subtracting and counting. In all honesty, people would probably think I was nuts.
It’s amazing to me the power of these little units of energy. I guess it’s because it’s not about the energy at all right? It’s about the control.
I started calorie counting for one reason. To lose weight. Previous t...
For the past few months I have hemmed and hawed about what my first blog post should be about. Do I start with my story? Do I simply introduce myself? Should it be funny? Should it be serious? Should it be educational? Finally I decided to just start with where I am at. What is currently going on? I’ll eventually share my story, what re-feeding was like, my deepest hurts and best coping skills, but today I’ll simply start with today.
I am currently about fifteen months into treatment/recovery for anorexia and exercise bulimia. It’s a weird place to be. I have changed in many aspects and have a long way to go in others. It’s this strange place of being far from where I use to be, but not even close to where I’m going. I’m using all my tricks in my toolbox, I’m eating enough and a variety. I am doing my best to practice “radical acceptance” (which by the way is THE WORST) and continue on my forward, yet glacial, journey to freedom. I'm in a wonderful and terrible lim...