June 3, 2017

****WARNING***** 

This post contains photos, numbers and information that could be triggering for those struggling with an eating disorder. If you find these things triggering please do not continue to read. 

  When you hear the word eating disorder, what image pops into your mind? Is it of a girl, frail with protruding bones? I bet it isn’t a girl who looks healthy and fit. I bet it isn’t a boy who is an athlete or a woman who is considered obese. When you see a person who is overweight by our societal standards what do you think? She must not exercise. She really must love the potato chip aisle. There is NO WAY she is struggling with an eating disorder. 

We are all quick to make assumptions about other people based on their bodies…

Oh they must not work out..they don’t look in shape..

She can’t suffer from and eating disorder, she is way too heavy…

Oh wow, she has great genes.....she must be healthy because she looks fit. 

She could stand to lose a little weight, maybe she would if she...

May 30, 2017

Self care is something that I had never really heard of until about a year ago. I was sitting in my support group and one of the girls made the goal to practice more self care that week. I thought, what the heck is that? Are you really going to sit at home and color in one of those new adult coloring books? Couldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time? It sounds so crazy now, but the idea of intentionally taking time to care for myself was foreign. I have a job, I’m fighting an eating disorder, I have a husband and a dog and dinner to make and bills to pay and deadlines to meet and youth to serve, and a house to clean, who has time for coloring and slow walks through the park?

I mean, obviously I know that I need to take care of myself when I have a cold or get more sleep when I’m exhausted, brush my teeth and exercise, but that was kind of the extent of my “self care.” I had always been taught that you put others first and yourself last, so this idea of self care felt...

May 24, 2017

I promised when I started this blog that I would be honest and raw about what it is like to be in recovery from an eating disorder…so here it goes!

This past week has been terrible. I feel constantly exhausted and my body is so swollen and puffy that I feel like I am walking around like the michelin man. It feels like I’m waterlogged and heavy and I have no idea whats going on. 

This healing process has been hard on my body. I pretty much live in a constant state of Edema. I swell a LOT. It’s swelling that hurts and makes me think something is very wrong. (I’ve had about a million tests and it continues to narrow down to just recovery healing). I shy away from hugs because my skin feels like it will snap if someone squeezes too hard. Touch feels like a million needles stabbing my skin. I live in leggings and baggy sweaters because my body swells up and down so much that anything else would be uncomfortable.

 I know that swelling in recovery is a pretty normal thing. I mean after all, if y...

May 17, 2017

I’ve never been amazing at fast math. Even adding up the numbers of my yahtzee roll I have to use my fingers. I somehow was able to nail an A in calculus, but 4th grade addition tables will still get me every time. It’s bad. However, when it comes to calorie counting Im basically a mathematical genius.

Calorie counting was a HUGE part of my eating disorder. I was obsessive about it. In school my notebook margins were filled with calories I was summing up. I would recount everything I ate or every calorie I worked off over and over again. I would check my watch literally 100 times a day. It was like continuous white noise. Always there. My brain was constantly in math mode. Adding and subtracting and counting. In all honesty, people would probably think I was nuts. 

It’s amazing to me the power of these little units of energy. I guess it’s because it’s not about the energy at all right? It’s about the control. 

I started calorie counting for one reason. To lose weight. Previous t...

May 12, 2017

     For the past few months I have hemmed and hawed about what my first blog post should be about. Do I start with my story? Do I simply introduce myself? Should it be funny? Should it be serious? Should it be educational? Finally I decided to just start with where I am at. What is currently going on? I’ll eventually share my story, what re-feeding was like, my deepest hurts and best coping skills, but today I’ll simply start with today. 

I am currently about fifteen months into treatment/recovery for anorexia and exercise bulimia. It’s  a weird place to be. I have changed in many aspects and have a long way to go in others. It’s this strange place of being far from where I use to be, but not even close to where I’m going. I’m using all my tricks in my toolbox, I’m eating enough and a variety. I am doing my best to practice “radical acceptance” (which by the way is THE WORST) and continue on my forward, yet glacial, journey to freedom. I'm in a wonderful and terrible lim...

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© 2017 by Sara Mann. Proudly created with Wix.com

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