INWARDLY RENEWED

Heeellllloooo everybody!

Wow! So based on feedback it seems you all really enjoyed last weeks Q&A with my hubs! If you haven't read it yet you can find part one of the Q&A here! I was asked this past week if these were really his answers, and YES! They are! I spell check (I'm no english major though, so all you grammar police, calm down) and we take out anything that might be a liiiiittle TMI, but these are his actual thoughts and answers. I'll respond more to his answers in my next blog!   I really hope that this Q&A gives a little more insight as to what it is like to be married to someone going through anorexia and recovery, as well as encouragement to love and support someone you may know going through it! 

This week we are onto PART TWO of our Q&A with my hubs! Enjoy!

24. Did you need support yourself when she was anorexic or during recovery?

I did, though I resisted for quite a while.  Guys don’t like to think that they need help with most thing...

 Well hello there! It's definitely been a hot minute since my last blog. I apologize. The good news is that I have lots to blog about so I'm going to be jumping back in again! I needed this break from blogging. The last month has had a lot of ups and downs with my recovery and I needed to take a step back and re-assess my goals and what I was doing, and I can't wait to share about it! BUT first things first! A couple months ago I mentioned that my husband was willing to do a little Q and A about my eating disorder and recovery, so if you had any questions to send them on in! Well, you all did NOT disappoint! I received a little over 40 questions for him! WOW! Seems like you all REALLY want to know my hubs thoughts about my anorexia, recovery, weight gain and sex life. (eeeek!) Since there were so many questions we have decided to break them down into two parts. This way you don't get overwhelmed and so my husband can take his time answering all of them!...

So I think this past week or so I could win an award for feeling sorry for myself. I definitely was spending more time in whine mode (not to be confused with the much more preferred wine mode), fretting about my situation and keeping myself in a constant state of boo-hoo.

This always tends to happen when I’m waiting on test results. I have had a lot of testing over the past couple months and the anxiety it brings is pretty outrageous. I’m a “worst case scenario” type of person. When it comes to my recovery, I’m the forever pessimist. Sure, I have moments of hope and confidence, but when it comes to testing, I just can’t seem to beat the blues. I think it’s because I’ve been getting my veins pricked basically every other month since I started this whole treatment thing. If it’s not a prick, its a pee cup or pee paper or saliva swipe or even spit tube. Anorexia left me with a LOT of health problems and therefore testing, testing and more testing. Testing causes me to live in a lot of fear...

Shopping use to be a different experience for me. There was the time before anorexia, when I was at my normal weight and also the time I was anorexic and extremely underweight. During both of these times (because I was either fit and thin or WAY too thin), finding my size at a clothing store wasn’t a problem. Sure I needed to find clothes that looked good on me and fit my body shape, but finding a size to fit me was never a problem. When I was anorexic it was even less of a problem because I basically was a walking hanger. Of course when I was anorexic, shopping brought about it’s difficulties. I was insecure about my body, never thought I was thin enough and oddly enough would never wear tight clothes. Either way, I prided myself with my style. I LOVED to shop! I have a dinner party to go to? I’ll get an awesome new outfit! Oh, I’m going to Italy? I’ll bring an EMPTY suitcase with me for all the cute new clothes I’ll buy! I had a closet that was what I considered amazing and very “me!...

So I haven’t blogged in a few weeks.  In the past this is something I would beat myself up over. I would tell myself I’m a failure, I’m bad, I will lose all my readers, no one will care anyway, and feel like a horrible person. Well, something in me has changed, and it’s a good thing. I haven’t blogged, and I don’t necessarily feel good about it, but I don’t feel horrible either. I have allowed myself room to be imperfect with things. When I was anorexic I had to be perfect at everything, and if I failed, I coped with it and the anxiety that came from it with starvation and exercise. Three years, and lots of therapy later, I now am able to be imperfect, and manage the anxiety that comes in a healthy way! It’s great!

So, reasons I haven’t blogged for a few weeks….

Well, there was this thing called Christmas! I had family in town, gifts to buy, people to enjoy, nieces and nephews to love on, so I decided to be more present with all of them and not worry about blogging.

We finally moved...

In the past week alone I have been called out more then once for talking negatively about my body. The truth is, I do talk REALLY bad about my body. I say things ranging from its gross to referring to it as “fat,” or talking about how out of shape I am or how my belly looks or if I have a double chin or how I use to be pretty. Just lots of negative stuff. It’s really not good.

One of the things my therapist (and I’m sure most E.D. recovery therapists) tried to get me to do is appreciate my body. I remember in the beginning of my recovery when I started gaining weight, all I could do was concentrate on my weight and how much I now hated my larger recovering body. My therapist would give me homework to go home and write down ten things that I’m grateful for about my body. I thought this was a joke and treated it as such. I would say things like, “The color of my eyes is nice,” and “I guess I’m grateful I can hear.” I was a real smart-a$$ to say the least. I just couldn’t find anything abo...